MSNBC decides it's a slow news day... or they are just REALLY afraid of snakes

With the aftermath of Hurricane Irene, the still smoldering situation in Libya, and an ever-changing Republican primary still dominating most news outlets' headlines, MSNBC decided to take on the story that REALLY matters. This was the main photo and headline adorning the front page of MSNBC this afternoon.

Not since Woodward and Burnstein's "So why don't kids like eating spinach?" bombshell in 1978 has their been such an earth shattering piece of journalism. I'm glad they at least cropped out the part of the photo where that kid is peeing himself.

CNN needs to add a little extra context to its headlines

I saw this headline on CNN's homepage today, and didn't bother to read the article. I just blindly followed their suggestion, grabbed my gun, and headed to the zoo.

I'm a busy man CNN. I can't be clicking through to some article telling me I SHOULDN'T actually be killing elephants. Either be specific or don't waste my time with your elephant vendettas or whatever.

Bob Dylan writes new anthem protesting the imprisonment of the Bronx Zoo Cobra

This week, the Bronx Zoo Cobra's seven day attempt to escape imprisonment ended in heartbreak for millions worldwide who found themselves caught up in the reptile's plight for freedom. A disillusioned public sought a voice to express their disappointment, which they soon found when folk legend Bob Dylan lent his voice to the growing demands that America's slithery hero be released.

A champion of the oppressed and wrongfully imprisoned many times before, Dylan joined a chorus of thousands camped outside the Bronx Zoo, their voices raised in unison:

Here comes the story of the Cobra Snake
From the Bronx we thought she escaped
She tasted freedom with her fangs
But back in a prison cell they said she would remain
Til the end of the world

Many in the crowd say they would not leave until the Bronx Zoo absolves the snake of all wrongdoing, citing the inconclusive evidence that the cobra ever actually killed all those field mice.

Don Draper only likes the beginning of things

Don Draper only likes the first bite of a slice of pizza

Don Draper only eats the muffin top

Don Draper has never seen Back to the Future Part II or Part III, and frankly he doesn't care.

Don Draper's favorite part of the Bible is Genesis

Don Draper has never played past level 3 of Super Mario Brothers

Don Draper rides Splash Mountain for the story.

Don Draper never sticks around to see if that first guy they arrested on Law & Order actually did it

Don Draper has never made it to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop

Don Draper tends to fill up on breadsticks when he eats at Olive Garden

A thorough and scientific comparison of the director's cut of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" vs. the original video

This week Katy Perry continues her march towards world domination, where, much like the great Alexander the Great, she refuses to stop until the entire globe is coated in a sweet candy shell of beach parties, bubble letters and raging boners. The latest step in her endearing and nefarious plan is the release of a director's cut for her music video for 'Teenage Dream.'

Because the original video was already a hormone stuffed bra of sexy good times, I suspected this was a trick to just get me to watch it again and become further entranced by Future Queen of Earth Perry. I had to know the truth, though, and the only way to do this was to watch it and resist the siren's call long enough to figure out what was actually different this time. I rolled up my sleeves, stuck my genitals in an ice-cold Coffee Coolata, and began a frame by frame analysis of the two videos. Here is what I found was added to the director's cut:

Katy's boyfriend gropes her a little bit in the car:

He gropes her again!

Then is he is all done groping her...

No wait, just kidding. He does it again:

Then, for old time's sake, he gropes her one more time. With feeling:

As you know, the only way to unwind after a long afternoon of vehicular groping is some good ol' fashioned mooning:

Finally, the Director's Cut contains a gratuitous 8-second shot of someone holding a lit firework. I have a hunch that it's supposed to symbolize something... but I just can't put my finger on just what that is...

So there it as. That's all they changed in the new video. What I found the most interesting from my analysis is that they left this shot in BOTH videos:

Evian introduces new "Stop sexually fantasizing about Maria Sharapova" campaign

Evian, the company known for making premium spring water, has set its sights on a whole new, untapped market. Though millions of men in the world have spent years fantasizing about tennis star Maria Sharapova, most beverage companies have steered clear of this entirely. In a shrewd marketing move to get ahead of the competition in the race to be the first global brand to stop men from wanting to have sex with tennis star Maria Sharapova, Evian released these ads around New York City:

Steve Collins of the Wall Street Journal called these ads a bold declaration of Evian's new vision for the company, saying,

"Why a company with such a strong foothold in the market it helped create would ever abandon that business plan is beyond me.... but damnit if I don't EVER want to have sex with Maria Sharapova now. I mean, after seeing her in that t-shirt, all I can think about now is f*cking a baby! I mean, I saw her at the U.S. Open wearing a short little skirt and a tight top... but still. Baby f*cking. Evian completely ruined her for me. It's sick, but it works."

Did I accidentally kill Rue McClanahan via Twitter?

Last weekend we lost both Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper. In the grand tradition of celebrity deaths, everyone expected a third one was imminent. I made a trite joke on Twitter to this effect, never thinking it would spiral like an errant, heat-seeking ninja star out of the bounds of the internet and actually kill a person:

I'm sorry Rue. I never meant to hurt anyone. Apparently my Twitter account has Twilight Zone powers. From here on in, I will only tweet about plugging oil leaks and getting LeBron James to join the New Jersey Nets.

Hopefully Betty White makes sure you did not die in vain, Rue.