Did Somebody Say Tom?

MSNBC decides it's a slow news day... or they are just REALLY afraid of snakes

2011-08-31T16:52:00.005-04:00

With the aftermath of Hurricane Irene, the still smoldering situation in Libya, and an ever-changing Republican primary still dominating most news outlets' headlines, MSNBC decided to take on the story that REALLY matters. This was the main photo and headline adorning the front page of MSNBC this afternoon.

Not since Woodward and Burnstein's "So why don't kids like eating spinach?" bombshell in 1978 has their been such an earth shattering piece of journalism. I'm glad they at least cropped out the part of the photo where that kid is peeing himself.

CNN needs to add a little extra context to its headlines

2011-06-15T13:36:00.004-04:00

I saw this headline on CNN's homepage today, and didn't bother to read the article. I just blindly followed their suggestion, grabbed my gun, and headed to the zoo.

I'm a busy man CNN. I can't be clicking through to some article telling me I SHOULDN'T actually be killing elephants. Either be specific or don't waste my time with your elephant vendettas or whatever.

Bob Dylan writes new anthem protesting the imprisonment of the Bronx Zoo Cobra

2011-04-01T12:56:00.004-04:00

This week, the Bronx Zoo Cobra's seven day attempt to escape imprisonment ended in heartbreak for millions worldwide who found themselves caught up in the reptile's plight for freedom. A disillusioned public sought a voice to express their disappointment, which they soon found when folk legend Bob Dylan lent his voice to the growing demands that America's slithery hero be released.

A champion of the oppressed and wrongfully imprisoned many times before, Dylan joined a chorus of thousands camped outside the Bronx Zoo, their voices raised in unison:

Here comes the story of the Cobra Snake
From the Bronx we thought she escaped
She tasted freedom with her fangs
But back in a prison cell they said she would remain
Til the end of the world

Many in the crowd say they would not leave until the Bronx Zoo absolves the snake of all wrongdoing, citing the inconclusive evidence that the cobra ever actually killed all those field mice.

Don Draper only likes the beginning of things

2010-10-18T11:06:00.013-04:00

Don Draper only likes the first bite of a slice of pizza

Don Draper only eats the muffin top

Don Draper has never seen Back to the Future Part II or Part III, and frankly he doesn't care.

Don Draper's favorite part of the Bible is Genesis

Don Draper has never played past level 3 of Super Mario Brothers

Don Draper rides Splash Mountain for the story.

Don Draper never sticks around to see if that first guy they arrested on Law & Order actually did it

Don Draper has never made it to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop

Don Draper tends to fill up on breadsticks when he eats at Olive Garden

A thorough and scientific comparison of the director's cut of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" vs. the original video

2010-08-25T14:16:00.015-04:00

This week Katy Perry continues her march towards world domination, where, much like the great Alexander the Great, she refuses to stop until the entire globe is coated in a sweet candy shell of beach parties, bubble letters and raging boners. The latest step in her endearing and nefarious plan is the release of a director's cut for her music video for 'Teenage Dream.'

Because the original video was already a hormone stuffed bra of sexy good times, I suspected this was a trick to just get me to watch it again and become further entranced by Future Queen of Earth Perry. I had to know the truth, though, and the only way to do this was to watch it and resist the siren's call long enough to figure out what was actually different this time. I rolled up my sleeves, stuck my genitals in an ice-cold Coffee Coolata, and began a frame by frame analysis of the two videos. Here is what I found was added to the director's cut:

Katy's boyfriend gropes her a little bit in the car:

He gropes her again!

Then is he is all done groping her...

No wait, just kidding. He does it again:

Then, for old time's sake, he gropes her one more time. With feeling:

As you know, the only way to unwind after a long afternoon of vehicular groping is some good ol' fashioned mooning:

Finally, the Director's Cut contains a gratuitous 8-second shot of someone holding a lit firework. I have a hunch that it's supposed to symbolize something... but I just can't put my finger on just what that is...

So there it as. That's all they changed in the new video. What I found the most interesting from my analysis is that they left this shot in BOTH videos:

Evian introduces new "Stop sexually fantasizing about Maria Sharapova" campaign

2010-08-19T10:42:00.008-04:00

Evian, the company known for making premium spring water, has set its sights on a whole new, untapped market. Though millions of men in the world have spent years fantasizing about tennis star Maria Sharapova, most beverage companies have steered clear of this entirely. In a shrewd marketing move to get ahead of the competition in the race to be the first global brand to stop men from wanting to have sex with tennis star Maria Sharapova, Evian released these ads around New York City:

Steve Collins of the Wall Street Journal called these ads a bold declaration of Evian's new vision for the company, saying,

"Why a company with such a strong foothold in the market it helped create would ever abandon that business plan is beyond me.... but damnit if I don't EVER want to have sex with Maria Sharapova now. I mean, after seeing her in that t-shirt, all I can think about now is f*cking a baby! I mean, I saw her at the U.S. Open wearing a short little skirt and a tight top... but still. Baby f*cking. Evian completely ruined her for me. It's sick, but it works."

Did I accidentally kill Rue McClanahan via Twitter?

2010-06-03T13:07:00.008-04:00

Last weekend we lost both Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper. In the grand tradition of celebrity deaths, everyone expected a third one was imminent. I made a trite joke on Twitter to this effect, never thinking it would spiral like an errant, heat-seeking ninja star out of the bounds of the internet and actually kill a person:

I'm sorry Rue. I never meant to hurt anyone. Apparently my Twitter account has Twilight Zone powers. From here on in, I will only tweet about plugging oil leaks and getting LeBron James to join the New Jersey Nets.

Hopefully Betty White makes sure you did not die in vain, Rue.

Rest in peace, Rue. It's all come down to Betty White v. Paul & Ringo...

2010-06-03T12:34:00.005-04:00

Today the world lost yet another beloved Golden Girl with the passing of Rue McClanahan. While this is a sad day, I can't help but look at the score board in the Beatles v. Golden Girls survival pool. Vegas has no idea how to handicap this race now. On the one hand the Beatles are up 2-1, but the Golden Girls have arguably their strongest player still very much in this thing.

Rue has slipped the surly bonds of earth just as a Betty White Renaissance has enraptured America. It is clear right now that Betty White will not throw in the towel and let the Beatles outlast the Golden Girls. Paul and Ringo, watch your backs.

Photos surface of the coyote living in Central Park

2010-02-23T14:47:00.005-05:00

In recent weeks, a coyote has been spotted all over Manhattan. New Yorkers not used to seeing this type of a wildlife should study this photo so they can identify the coyote should they encounter it:

Also, if you see any signs pointing to bird seed, don't trust them.

The Anti-Christ is a pretty boring dude judging by his Twitter account

2009-11-20T15:21:00.004-05:00

You would think with a Twitter name like "Eviljesus" this guy would come out swinging with 140 characters of hate-spewing hellfire, but apparently his master plan in the battle for the very soul of all mankind is to just bore everyone until they turn to the dark side. It doesn't seem to be working, though, judging by the number of followers he has.

Evil Jesus hasn't even updated a single time since December of 2007. The guy is probably too busy clipping coupons and watching Antique Roadshow. Looks like Regular Jesus wins again.

Now that NASA has found water on the moon, I am one step closer to being rich and eccentric

2009-11-13T12:59:00.008-05:00

Today NASA announced they found significant amounts water one the moon. This is an amazing and momentous discovery that means one thing: I can now proceed with my plan to be filthy filthy rich and utterly out of my mind.

See, up until now I've lived a modest life on an average salary. Sure, I wanted to be rich and live a life of extravagant luxury, but only if I could spend every waking moment making demands so ridiculous, only a person of such unattainable wealth such as myself would fathom they could ever be fulfilled. Otherwise, what's the point?

Really I needed just one signature preposterous requirement that would make people step back and say "Woah, that guy REALLY must be rich." It had to be Howard Hughs crazy, like when he bought an entire hotel just because the neon sign was keeping him up at night... but bigger.

Thus, with NASA's latest discovery, I now have my trademark eccentrically rich demand:

Every morning I must be served steak and eggs with a glass of champagne in bed. That sounds relatively tame, you say? Just wait...

The steak must be from a bull that was killed by the best bullfighters in Spain. I would prefer if the bull gored someone in the process so I knew he had a fighting chance. The champagne must only come from a salvaged ship wreck. I'd prefer if that ship had been sunk by pirates.

Here is where NASA's discovery comes in: the ice used to chill that champagne must ONLY be moon ice. I don't want a single molecule of frozen water from this planet touching the bottle, or I'm smashing it. Finally (and so help me God this better be EXACTLY what I want) the eggs should be over easy. I like my yokes just a little runny.

With that, I'm off to make my first gazillion.

The Beatles/Golden Girls survival pool just got a little more interesting

2009-11-05T16:35:00.005-05:00

Last April, the epic fight between the surviving members of The Beatles and The Golden Girls to be the last group standing went neck and neck. Most people thought The Golden Girls had this thing in the bag thanks in part to the wiley Rue McClanahan. I'm sad to report that things aren't looking so good, according to the San Francisco Chronicle:

Bay Area impresario Marc Huestis has announced that the forthcoming tribute to "Golden Girls" co-star Rue McClanahan, scheduled for Nov. 14 at the Castro Theatre, has been canceled.
McClanahan, the Oklahoma native who played Southern belle Blanche Devereaux on the long-running sitcom, was hospitalized this week for heart bypass surgery.

We wish Rue the best, but it might be time to hedge your bets with The Beatles. McCartney and Ringo are looking mighty good these days. We here at DSST will keep you updated on any developments.

I don't feel like explaining this

2009-10-29T18:40:00.001-04:00

Just go with it.

This probably warrented to two separate emails

2009-09-30T17:55:00.004-04:00

I received an email from the concert promoter for The Meadowlands that at first glance seemed like it was for a ticket presale to the strangest double bill since Hanson opened for Wu Tang:

After reading it again, I realized they were alerting me to two DIFFERENT shows, one featuring Andrea Bocelli and the other featuring Kanye and Lady Gaga. Honestly, this could have used two separate emails, but who am I to judge the crossover audience between Lady GaGa and Bocelli.

The Philadelphia Eagles sign a time-traveling alien according to CNN

2009-08-14T11:46:00.004-04:00

If you missed today's press conference announcing that Michael Vick is signing with the Philadelphia Eagles, a particular chyron on CNN's broadcast gave the story a whole new dimension:

"Vick: I plan to work with the Human Society in the future"
Now this is either a typo and they meant to write "Humane Society" or all this time Michael Vick has actually been a time-traveling alien looking to forge a partnership with our intellectually and technologically advanced ancestors of tomorrow. Personally, I'm going with the latter option. I think it's safe to say that on Michael vick's planet, making dogs fight to the death is actually a sign of dignity and respect, so maybe we all shouldn't be judging? For shame, people of Earth. Perhaps our children's children will be more understanding of our cultural differences. Also, I hope Michael Vick brings me back a sports almanac!

The GOP really is in trouble if they're advertising on this blog

2009-07-18T18:42:00.003-04:00

I don't have control over who places ads on this blog, and as much as I'd like to make some mad cash, I can't stress this enough: don't click on this ad. I have it on good authority that if you donate money to the GOP, they kill 12 latino babies or 30 baby seals (they do let you choose, which is nice).

Buzz Aldrin has a surprise for everyone

2009-07-16T17:04:00.005-04:00

Today marks the 40th Anniversary of the launch of Apollo 11 and during a press conference, Buzz Aldrin and a fellow astronaut Walt Cunningham decided to treat everyone to a little NASA inside gossip:

Fore! Six year old makes hole in one, then number two in pants

2009-07-15T13:58:00.005-04:00

This might be the week millions of frustrated golfers finally just give up the game completely when they read this story from yesterday's USA Today:

Braeden Furlow teed up his SpongeBob SquarePants ball from about 85 yards out, picked up a 3-wood and made a solid hit that bounced twice on the fairway before landing in the hole.

Some golfers go their whole lives without marking down a "1." Braeden's hole-in-one was his first, but that shouldn't be a surprise -- he's all of 6 years old.

Things got awkward, however, when Brendan's father Travis got pissed that his son didn't buy the ceremonial hole in one round of beers for the foursome.

"What a little sh*t my son is!" says Travis, practicing drives with his son's Spongebob clubs. "No respect for the game. Everyone knows you have to buy a round of drinks when you get a 1. Someone's not getting Christmas presents this year, that's for DAMN sure."

The Pope and Obama are totally hangin

2009-07-10T15:36:00.005-04:00

Pope: "And here is me with Bono!"

Obama: "Hey, I met they guy too. He stole my pen."

Pope: "Yea, he does that."

Obama: "Hey pope, can I have one of these? You got two."

Pope: "Oh, umm.. I uh, kinda wanted to give one of those to the guy that plays Kirk in the new Star Trek. He was totally the man."

People in Spain go all out for Michael Jackson memorial

2009-07-07T15:06:00.002-04:00

They have elephants at the Michael Jackson memorial service in Los Angeles, but judging from this footage from Spain's MJ , they've one-upped us Americans.

Michael would be proud, Spaniards.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's disappearance SOLVED!

2009-06-24T12:07:00.007-04:00

Over the last week, the disappearance of Republican South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford gained major media attention. While the Governor's staff claimed he was just hiking the Appalachian Trail, Sanford himself now says he was in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Mystery still surrounds these events, but an inside source tells me this was all a marketing ploy for Sanford's thrilling new game show:

Each week the Governor gives clues as to where he currently has a mistress living. If contestants get it right, they get to spend five days in that country crying with Governor Mark Standford.

Google's new Farsi translation clears up a few misconceptions about Iran

2009-06-19T18:45:00.007-04:00

Google introduced its new Farsi translation service just in time for Western journalists covering the Iranian post-election protests to better figure out what is actually happening amidst the government's media blackout. After a few minutes with the new feature, it seems we were wrong about one or two things concerning Iran...

People in Iran sure know how to party!

2009-06-15T15:54:00.015-04:00

I saw these pictures on the front page of The Huffington Post. I didn't read the associated article or even the captions, but I'm pretty sure I know what's going on. There was some big soccer match in Tehran, right? Like a World Cup qualifier? Let me see if I can figure it out from the pictures.

Ok, a large public gathering. People cheering. Definitely looks like a soccer celebration of some kind.

Ok, so that guy on the poster... um, he's their star player, right? Gotta be. He's got those cool shades. He's like a bearded David Beckham!

Ok, this one... Let's see.. They must be trying to open the gates to the stadium after the game. It's always so annoying getting out of those places and some bumbling security guard must have forgotten to open the exit. That's gotta be it.

Oh man, it really must've been a crazy game. They're lighting little bonfires in the street! How fun.

Big fires apparently... Hmmm, looks a little dangerous, but not too bad I guess. I mean, these guys looked pretty pumped, and I'm sure that blaze is controlled. They love their sports, right?!

Not sure what is going on here. Maybe the police officer doesn't like the green team? Um, there was in fact a soccer game going on, right? I know people in the rest of the world get really in to this stuff, but wow, this looks like it's getting violent...

Alright.. That cop is defitely beating that guy. Holy crap. Those old ladies don't look at all like they are celebrating something. They look terrified!

OH MY GOD THAT DUDE IS BLEEDING. IS HE DEAD? THIS ISN'T A SOCCER CELEBRATION! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??!? SOMEBODY GET THAT GUY A DOCTOR! SWEET JESUS!

Upon further research, I learned that these are in fact scenes from the disputed Iranian Presidential election. My bad.

Rival morning shows paint vastly different pictures of American teenagers

2009-05-28T13:46:00.006-04:00

Just minutes apart today, the morning shows on both NBC and ABC ran segments on how teenage Americans show affection. On The Today Show they had this heartwarming story about how high school kids have become very big on hugging:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

While most parents would be delighted to see a story like this, god help them if they happen to be watching Good Morning America over on ABC just 30 minutes earlier. They would have seen THIS story about how teens are giving out oral sex like Tic Tacs (you have to click the link, ABC selfishly doesn't allow embedded videos). The report included shocking revelations like this:

"Girls as young as 11 years old talk about having sex, going to sex parties and -- in some extreme situations -- crossing into prostitution by exchanging sexual favors for money, clothes or even homework and then still arriving home in time for dinner with the family."

Thanks to ABC's crack reporting, most parents probably never even saw the Today Show's hug story because they were too busy immediately pulling their precious babies out of class and sending them to a convent. Those who did see NBC's segment were probably too jaded to believe the hugs were nothing more than a chance for the kids to whisper directions to the nearest broom closet for a BJ between Homeroom and Social Studies.

Maybe there really are two Americas. But instead of rich vs. poor, it's the prudes vs. the sluts. Time to pick a side, kids.

Also, it's curious that the network owned by Disney is the one running stories about teen sex. Go figure.

Dish at the Plate: Manny Ramirez heats up baseball gossip!

2009-05-07T14:20:00.014-04:00

Hey there baseball gossip hounds, we've got some juicy details out of Hollywood's hottest locker room scene. It seems Los Angeles bad boy Manny Ramirez was banned for 50 games today after he tested positive for a banned substance. ESPN dishes:

"Two sources told ESPN's T.J. Quinn and Mark Fainaru-Wada that the drug used by Ramirez is hCG -- human chorionic gonadotropin. HCG is a women's fertility drug typically used by steroid users to restart their body's natural testosterone production as they come off a steroid cycle. It is similar to Clomid, the drug Bonds, Giambi and others used as clients of BALCO."

While it is only speculation right now that Manny may have used this banned substance as part of a steroid regimen, it's not too early to play "Who wore it better?"!!!

Alex Rodriguez lit up baseball's scandal season early this year when he admitted to using steroids with the Texas Rangers. Not to be outdone, Manny is just the latest MLB celeb to accessorize with a scandal. So, we at Dish at the Plate asked you readers... A-Rod or ManRam, who wore it better?

A-Rod may have the hotter drug scandal, but at least Manny has a couple fabulous rings to accessorize his days off with. Until next time, may all your balls be strikes. XOXO.

The terrible book cover sales pitch that inspired the blog post

2009-05-06T17:41:00.004-04:00

Sometimes when a novel becomes a movie, the publisher smartly capitalizes on the publicity and changes the book's cover so it says "Now a major motion picture" or "The book that inspired the movie." Sometimes they will go so far as to change the book title so its the same as the movie, like with Q and A being renamed Slumdog Millionaire.

Whoever publishes this book, however, should have just left the cover alone.

I hope the next edition says, "The book that inspired the viral video that inspired some idiot in marketing to print that on the cover that inspired the firing of that same idiot."

In all fairness, I never read this book (or saw said viral video), but perhaps they should have gone with one of these:

"The book that inspired the end table to stop wobbling."

"The book that inspired the re-gifting."

"The book that inspired millions to remember why they play video games instead of reading."

Homeless Supervillians Beware

2009-05-06T15:29:00.003-04:00

Last week, we learned about the existence of Cincinnati's 'Allegiance of Heroes.' This week, it seems a promising new member of the team has emerged on the internet. This do-it-yourself Hugh Jackman has outfitted himself with his own Wolverine claws. As long as the next threat to humanity is mostly cardboard, the world is safe for another day.

The global recession is killing our chances to have badass real life superheroes

2009-04-29T16:57:00.008-04:00

This week, a local news station filed this report about a growing band of masked "heroes" taking back the mean streets of Cincinnati:

While it is about time that brave citizens donned masks and tights to fight crime, this economic downturn is crushing all hope that we get someone who can actually do some good. Nothing against Cincinnati's Shadowhare and his "Allegiance of Heroes," but they look like they could barely stop a middle-schooler on two cans of Red Bull from taking their bus fare money. What happens if The Bengals' Chad Ocho Cinco turns evil and takes the whole nine-member city council hostage on the top floor of the Carew Tower, tallest building in Cincinnati??!? (I swear I didn't Wikipedia any of this)

Let's be honest-- humans are not getting super powers any time soon. Exposure to radiation is only going to cause tumors and severe blindness. There are no X-Men in our future; the next step in human evolution will probably just give us a sixth finger to make Guitar Hero easier. Our only other hope for a real superhero is for some eccentric bored rich guy to secretly commission a bunch of crime fighting gadgets like Batman or Iron Man. Unfortunately, with personal fortunes dwindling, the possibility of that is looking bleak. Anyone still rich enough to even pull off this sort of thing is either in jail or too old (which is too bad, because T. Boone Pickens already sounds like some kind of superhero).

Rich conservatives are up in arms over Obama's plan to raise their taxes, but I say we stike a deal. As long as the rich promise to use their tax savings on personally developing rocket boots or laser guided grappling hooks, we won't raise their taxes. Also, they have to submit a costume sketches and at least three possible aliases. Without some kind of review system in place, we're going to end up with some pretty awful names. I'm looking at you, Shadowhare.

Will The Beatles outlast The Golden Girls?

2009-04-27T12:29:00.006-04:00

For awhile, it seemed like we would lose all four of The Beatles before we lost all four of The Golden Girls, but with the passing of the late Bea Arthur this weekend, this race just got a lot more interesting.

McCartney. White. Starr. McClanahan. It's anybody's game at this point.

Editor's Note: A lot of people have expressed their opinion on this today and believe The Golden Girls will outlast the Beatles. I would like to remind those people that we've unfortunately lost two of the ladies in less than a year. Current trends tell me The Beatles are going to run away with this.

Guitar teacher Dan Smith is not the corporate pitchman I pegged him for

2009-04-23T14:53:00.009-04:00

A coworker was at a Soho deli today and saw Dan Smith, the ubiquitous New Yorker who has been appearing on millions of iconic flyers around NYC for years. Dan, a man so confident in his abilities to impart the gift of musical knowledge on any fledgling guitarist who dares make the call that he vows with unflinching certainty "Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar," was himself hanging one of those very flyers. I have mixed feelings about this.

First, I was happy to hear than Dan is not the manufactured face of some souless, manipulative multinational conglomorate that uses the guise of simple guitar lessons to sell ultracaffeinated soft drinks and blister ointment to an unsuspecting public duped in to forking over their last hardearned penny week after week only to be led down a endless road of empty, unfulfilled dreams and harrowing disappointment.

Nope, he is apparently just a swell guitar teacher with a simple business model and dream.

On the other hand, I am surprised to hear that after all these years he can not afford an intern to blanket the city with flyers for him. Maybe for all that optimism, he is really not that good at teaching guitar.

This is the best commercial in the history of commercials

2009-04-17T11:34:00.001-04:00

CNN decides to scare the crap out of everyone

2009-04-16T18:26:00.004-04:00

Two people in the span of a half hour today told me they clicked onto the main homepage of CNN.com and thought the world was over. Click on the picture below to get the full impact (once you make sure the kids are in the other room).

I'm tough on CNN.com, but they can't just spring pictures like that on people if they want to be taken seriously. Oh what's that? They're in some kind of Twitter war with Ashton Kutcher? Oh, well by all means, let's turn this once reputable news outlet in to a wacky internet variety show.

What a week to be a pirate beat writer

2009-04-08T13:50:00.012-04:00

Any frequent reader of this news emporium knows that stories about pirates, space, and the occasional hunt for lost cities take precedent. I have always complained that they don't get enough attention from the mainstream media, who is always trying to push their pro-"economic crisis and other more pressing world events" agenda. This week, however, even those news sources couldn't help but report the avalanche of pirate stories raping and pillaging every section of the paper this week.

First off, Somali pirates hijacked a cargo ship with 20 American soldiers on board. It seems Bush missed his chance to end the war on pirates once and for all, and Obama must step up and start swashbuckling his way to a win in the America column. With the war on druglords heating up again at the Mexican border, perhaps we could take another route in both of these fights. Somehow Obama needs to pull off a crazy scheme to convince the pirates to fight the Mexican druglords in an elaborate The Usual Suspects-style double cross. Find a way to get Al Queada in the mix, and our enemies could end these skirmishes for us in one big, action-packed Mexican (and pirate and terrorist) standoff.

If the Somali pirates go down, however, it seems another pirate upstart is already gearing up to take their place. CNN reports that Nigerian pirates are starting to copy the tactics of their more-successful counterparts off the coast of Somalia. How ironic -- the Nigerians are pirating the Somali's brand of piracy. Can pirates sue for copyright infringement? I'll have to check with my maritime lawyer.

While news about real pirates is exciting enough, the world of fictional pirates was also turned on its head this week. It seems the late Michael Crichton left behind a posthumous novel called Pirate Latitude about buccaneers in the 17th Century. This is the man who blessed the world with Jurassic Park and taught us all to dream of a future where humans and dinosaurs can finally coexist in a theme-park utopia. On the heels of this announcement, however, Pirates of the Carribean director Gore Verbinski announced today that he is done making pirate movies and is instead setting his sights on a movie adaptation of the game Clue. This is terrible timing by Mr. Verbinski. With the coast of Africa about to explode in all out pirate war and an almost guarenteed best selling pirate extravaganza from Crichton, is it really a good idea to place your bets on a mystery board game? Not in this economy, Gore.

CNN ruins everyone's good time

2009-04-01T12:52:00.005-04:00

CNN.com apparently couldn't think of any good April Fools jokes to play on readers today, so instead they just spoiled all the other ones out there that legitimate news organizations were doing.

To be fair, though, CNN.com is a joke every other day of the year.

Am I the only one upset about the first successful flying car?

2009-03-18T18:25:00.006-04:00

Everyone was excited today to report the first successful test of a flying car by a company called Terrafugia. I, however, was outraged. While I fully support the development of the flying car as soon as possible, I am adamant that the engineers behind this project have their heads in the completely wrong place.

I don't know who was in charge of the Netflix queue for the people at Terrafugia, but they should be fired and banned from the renting-movies-for-engineers industry forever. The flying cars of tomorrow should not look like they're from a remake of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Either make them look like Deloreans, or don't make them at all.

Missing the point: Eco-friendly sneakers

2009-03-13T12:28:00.001-04:00

The other day I ordered these sneakers which are supposedly constructed in a very eco-friendly manner. Originally that's not why I wanted to buy them, but once I did I felt really really good about myself. That is, until I got the UPS tracking info and found out they are coming to New York City all the way from Portland, Oregon. That's 2900 miles in a giant diesel delivery truck (yea, I chose ground transfer). Any moral pretense I had is being erased with every mile.

Maybe the delivery truck will strike a few woodland creatures along the way. I should have just stuck to buying sneakers made by orphans in Bangladesh.

Yahoo Answers brings out the best in people: Disposing of a lava lamp edition

2009-03-13T12:15:00.003-04:00

Yahoo Answers is a place where everyone on the internet can come together and use our collective experience to help each other out. Sometimes though, the true side of human nature comes out, as I found with this answer below:

I'm still holding out hope someone will ask:

"How do I stop mother@#$%ers from dropping off lava lamps at my mother@#$%ing Goodwill Store??"

My other favorite answer was from user Randy C:

"Throw it back in the volcano."

2009-03-13T12:11:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to wonder if this Chris Brown/Rihanna situation is a big prank on America

2009-03-12T14:28:00.005-04:00

Times are hard enough for Americans without Chris Brown and Rihanna confusing the hell out of people. Everyone's hearts went out to Rihanna after they learned she was beat senseless by Brown. When she reportedly got back together with him, the public scratched their heads. Then today, CNN ran this story:

I really hope these two aren't pulling a twisted Andy Kaufman-esque stunt consisting of a fake domestic abuse scandal just to sell a few records. Or, wait... maybe I do.... I'm confused too. I mean, that's a lot of free publicity. Savvy. I guess it worked for Tupac when he faked his death (and unlike him, these two don't have to lay low in Argentina in an apartment full of hiding Nazis).

Kudos, kids! You're gonna make it!

Spoiler Alert! CNN.com spoils their own 'Watchmen' review

2009-03-06T11:06:00.007-05:00

As the film 'Watchmen' descends upon an eager movie-going public, many people are interested in how the film adaption of the beloved graphic novel translates. Many reviewers have already weighed in, and now CNN.com has posted their own review. It seems the headline writer, however, has decided to save you the time of reading the whole thing:

I understand our nation's attention span has been reduced to the level of a coked-up first grader thanks to Twitter and such, but come ON CNN.com. You're not even trying. I probably won't even buy the t-shirt.

Now THESE are headlines:

We're all screwed: Asteroid edition

2009-03-05T15:45:00.007-05:00

On March 2nd, an asteroid came within 40,000 miles of Earth as it passed, classifying it as a 'near-miss' in astronomical terms. This cosmic projectile, named "2009 DD45," was only first discovered on February 28th. That is unacceptable. We have a black president now. We can't take this risk. Hollywood and Joe Biden have both implored upon us that Obama will surely be tested as commander in chief.

Do you think it's a coincidence that just over a month after Obama took office an asteroid passed by the stratosphere? Hell no. That sneaky piece of space garbage was on a recon mission. Now it's going back to all its asteroid friends telling them we really did elect a black president. Astronomers of the world: quit using your telescopes to sneak a peek at the moon rocks of the babe accross the street and find those damn asteroids. If Bruce Willis and his misfit team of demolitions experts are going to save us, they're going to need more than three days warning.

Also, can we stop giving asteroids names like 2009 DD45? It's not very menacing. That sounds like a model of lawnmower. These things could wipe us off the planet, so let's give them the respect they deserve. From now on we will use a two-part naming system that combines the monikers of Mexican wrestlers with species of dinosaurs. Thus, for example, the world can breath an extra sigh of relief when we hear this on the news:

"The president announced the mission was successful as actor Bruce Willis' team of misfits was able to destroy the 400-mile wide Ultimo Dragon-Triceratops before it obliterated the Earth, and mandated a celebratory day off of school tomorrow. Stocks are still down though."

Crackpot Theory: Discovery of Atlantis exposes Google's nefarious plans for global domination

2009-02-20T15:01:00.009-05:00

Britain's The Sun reported that a man has found what some believe to be the lost city of Atlantis off the coast of Africa. Using the new software "Google Ocean" that lets users explore images of the ocean floor, a square grid can be seen that looks like an overhead view of a city over 3 miles below the surface.

Many people are fascinated by this discovery and are calling for further exploration in to whether this could truly be the lost city of Atlantis first described by Plato in 355 BC.

Many people, that is, except Google (the very people that developed the software resulting in this discovery). It seems while everyone else was celebrating this momentous find, Google quickly quelled the excitement claiming the grid-like images are the result of a software error:

"What users are seeing is an artefact of the data-collection process."

Hey, I know an artefact of the data-collection process when I see one, and that my friend is CLEARLY a lost city. Why so quick to call of the search parties, huh? What exactly are you hiding, Google?

Each day this seemingly benevolent company continues makes inroads in to new parts of our lives. Just last week they launched "Google Latitude," a tool lets Google track people's movements and share with others. Not only do they have a complete record of our search histories and emails, but now they know exactly where we are at any given time.

I believe Google is trying to find the lost city of Atlantis for themselves to unlock the secrets of this fabled Utopian society and exactly what destroyed it. With that knowledge, they can easily hold the entire world ransom. They'll know where we are, they'll know who we're talking to, and they can force us to click whatever banner ad they want, even if it's for misspelled prescription drugs we don't want or use!

Google accidentally revealed the location of Atlantis, and now that they know we know, we're running out of time. We must find Atlantis before Google. As I am writing this on a Google-owned site, it is probably too late for me. The robots at Google have probably replaced my organs with sponsored links.

You must find Daniel Fareday's mother in the basement of a church in L.A. where she will give the flight number of an airplane that will fly right over the island and instantly bring you to Atlantis. Um, just Google it I guess. Oh wait.. damnit. Click here for CHeaP Xan-EX!!! ViAG era!!!!

My own worst enema

2009-02-13T21:28:00.003-05:00

I was waiting in line at Duane Reade today and the guy in front of me was holding two 3-packs of enemas. My first thought was, "Wow, who needs that many enemas at home?" However, when I saw they were generic brand, I more importantly wondered, "If you are you going to buy enemas, shouldn't you spring for name brand?" Times are tough, but not that tough.

Then I realized, "Who really knows enema brands anyway?" and paid for my gum.

Wikipedia leaves me hanging

2009-02-13T16:30:00.006-05:00

Normally Wikipedia is great. It has allowed me to stop remembering facts and dates and places and words. However, a recent trip to it's bottomless pit of knowledge left me speechless. For some reason I decided to learn who Lily Allen was (turns out a British song maker of sorts). One line in particular stood out:

Allen met her first manager, George Lamb, in Ibiza when he saved her from several assailants and sent her home.

There is no explanation of these events. The beginning of that sentence in no way prepares you for how it ends. Thanks Wikipedia.

It seems honoring Heath Ledger in an acceptable way has also died

2009-02-12T16:41:00.009-05:00

CNN.com ran a story today about how fans have started a petition to stop movie studios from ever featuring the character 'The Joker' in a film again:

"Ledger supporters at new Web site, The Ultimate Joker, launched a petition last week calling for studios to remove the Joker from any future Batman movies. The petition currently has 2,431 supporters."

They go on to compare retiring this iconic character to the retiring of Michael Jordan's number 23 from basketball (forgetting of course many NBA players have since worn the number 23, just not on the Chicago Bulls).

I for one think this petition does not go far enough. Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight was so powerful and transcendent that merely promising to never have another actor play The Joker is an insult to this dearly departed thespian. Studios should promise to never make a Batman film again, period. In fact, all current television cartoons and comic books featuring the Caped Crusader must be immediately halted and all unfinished work be shredded and burned. Anyone that worked on these pieces should be locked away so they can never tell friends and family of a single word that could have been in their work.

Anyone owning a copy of the previous Batman movies must mail them to the studio or face severe fines or up to ten months in federal prison. All decks of cards containing Jokers must be deposited in the nearest U.S. postal box before the end of the month or the bearer will risk losing an offspring of the government's choosing. Americans should also be heretofore barred from ever telling a joke, limerick, prank phone call, double entendre, dirty nursery rhyme, or parody song to avoid said person being called a 'joker' (or even a 'jokester' for that matter -- sounds too similar).

Then, and only then, have we properly honored the late Heath Ledger.

Misplaced outrage: There's Something About Mary edition

2009-01-28T11:08:00.003-05:00

While watching There's Something About Mary on FX this weekend, there was a fun fact that said the town where they filmed the high school scenes at the beginning asked to be taken out of the credits when they saw how raunchy the film was. The name of that town? Plantation, Florida. Yes, a town named after the very institution that allowed slavery to persist in the U.S. thought being associated with a masturbation gag would make the community look bad.

This is not the first time a town tried to disassociate itself with a popular movie. In 1990, the movie Home Alone was believed to encourage neglectful parenting and thus denied a filming permit by the residents of Nazi, Indiana.

Gmail fears change

2009-01-20T10:22:00.004-05:00

Barack Obama is being inaugurated today as our nation's 44th President, but the Gmail spell check does not recognize his name:

Area man honors Martin Luther King Jr. by seeing "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" on his day off

2009-01-19T14:48:00.002-05:00

I think I'm going to lie to my kids and say I was at Obama's Inauguration

2009-01-19T12:44:00.005-05:00

Hopefully our Chinese and/or Martian overlords have deleted all blogs by then. I don't want my future kids catching me in a lie.

Karl Rove once again sets himself up for disaster, this time via Twitter

2009-01-16T10:32:00.009-05:00

My colleague E. Cunningham clued me in to one Karl Rove's Twitter feed (it's the 90's, so of course he's on Twitter).

You hear that people... NO ATTACHMENTS! George W. is still running Windows Millennium Edition and it might not open.

This is a shame, because between myself and Eric, we have the following things I would have loved to forward:

I really hope this wasn't some publicity stunt for the new season of 'Lost'

2009-01-15T18:59:00.002-05:00

If our troops are going to have to fight pirates, let them have more than two beers

2009-01-09T13:48:00.007-05:00

U.S. commanders in Iraq announced today they have lifted a military ban on alcohol consumption by troops. During this year's Superbowl, the men and women of our armed forces will be allowed two twelve-ounce beers without fear of being court marshaled. While it is a nice gesture, two beers just does not cut it to me. Our nation's finest deserve to get boozed up on the job every once in awhile. After all they do, lock up the grenades and heavy artillery and let them throw back one or twelve (especially if it's a Carolina-Pittsburgh Superbowl. That just sounds boring).

In fact, it is crucial that at this time we use this historic moment to fully repeal our military prohibition. The U.S. Navy also announced today it will begin battling pirates in the Sea of Aden. While I am happy we will finally be taking on a clear cut enemy, everyone knows that you can not successfully battle pirates without hitting the booze first yourself. It is the first rule of swashbuckling. We can not expect our brave men and women to be out there stone cold sober. The only way to defeat a rum soaked buccaneer is to think like one.

Bush, as one of your last acts as Commander in Chief, do the right thing. Give our military the keys to the liquor cabinet. Don't just let them drive tanks. Let them get tanked. We've got pirates to fight.

If you are going to embezzle billions of dollars, at least do something cool with it.

2009-01-08T15:33:00.005-05:00

The United States is still reeling from the news of Bernie Madoff's $50 billion ponzi scheme. A lot of people are furious over the loss of all this money, but I think their anger is misdirected. While Madoff splurged on jets and fancy hotel rooms, it does not seem to add up anywhere near $50 billion. What was the point, Bernie? If you are going to screw over charities, old people, the Mets, and Stephen Spielberg, at least make it look worth your while.

Take a page from this guy: Bloomberg reports that Juan Antonio Roca, a corrupt government official in Spain, embezzled billions while working as an urban planner. While he only took in about $3.4 billion, he didn't go saving it for a rainy day. The guy bought a massive country estate with a stud farm to raise fighting bulls... AND IT WAS GUARDED BY TIGERS. Fighting bulls and guard tigers. Sure, he too screwed over a lot of people, but at least you know the guy can party. If you are going to be a high profile crook, at least have some fun with it.

Roca should be a role model for all the aspiring villains out there. Guard your mansions with exotic animals. Buy rocket cars and wear shoes made of blood diamonds. Whatever you do, just make us for a second believe you are not actually a bad person, just maniacally insane.

The End of an Era: Wacky New Years Eve glasses

2008-12-30T16:41:00.003-05:00

Just a reminder to everyone celebrating New Years Eve and ringing in 2009--

This is the last year we will be able to wear glasses with the middle zeros of the new year as the lenses. Next year, it just won't work with 2010. The glasses will be all cockeyed. And don't get me started on 2011.

It's over, everyone. So wear those horological shades with an extra sense of pride this New Years. Also, just in case you were finding it difficult to say goodbye, the world's timekeepers are giving us an extra second on New Years to cope. Use it wisely.

The death of an American tradition: Waiting on line for unemployment

2008-12-26T15:40:00.002-05:00

I just got finished applying for unemployment benefits for the first time in my life, and I was very disheartened to learn the process has completely lost its charm. I always thought when I was finally lucky enough to ask the government for some money, I would be waiting on line for hours in the freezing cold, being sent to the end of the line over and over because I brought the wrong form. I wanted to bond with my fellow unemployed brethren, hearing their stories about why they don't have a job and bumming a shot of whiskey off them for my lukewarm coffee -- and consequently wondering whether that is where the term "bum" originated.

Sadly, I learned that in these go-go modern times, all one has to do in order to claim unemployment benefits is log on to a website a fill out a couple forms. I did the whole thing while still in my pajamas (at 3:30pm -- I'm unemployed after all). It was easier than finding free porn online. Has our country lost its way? Have we become so comfortable and soft that we are no longer willing to brave hours shivering on a damp sidewalk avoiding eye contact with passersby? It was bad enough when we stopped the age old tradition of camping outside a box office to score front row seats to Bon Jovi. Now we won't even get out of bed for our free money. America, no wonder we're in this economic mess.

Sent from my iPhone

Things have gone from bad to worse for Vladimir Putin

2008-12-04T19:08:00.004-05:00

Vladimir Putin's new kids show was met with apathy from Russia's infant demographic.

Why Canadians should always read the Official Sweepstakes Rules

2008-12-03T13:49:00.005-05:00

I was on the Las Vegas tourism website, and they had a contest to win a New Year's Eve trip to their fair city. I decided to enter but first wanted to read the official rules because I am responsible and there was nothing good on TV. Hidden among the common legal speak of such a contest was a glaring bit of prejudice against our neighbors to the north:

If the Grand Prize Winner is a Canadian resident, he/she will also be required to correctly answer a mathematical question without assistance (10 x 25 ÷ 5 + 30 – 5 =__).

That's nothing. I hear they make Mexicans properly dissect and label the organs of frogs.

As always, Americans get to win prizes without proving they can use skills acquired in elementary school. USA! USA! USA!

By the way, the answer is 75. You're welcome, Canada. Happy New Year.

The Real Story: What sank the Somali pirate mother ship?

2008-11-19T14:12:00.010-05:00

The Indian Navy is claiming they have sunk a suspected pirate "mother ship" in the Gulf of Aden. There have been a rash of Somali pirate attacks in the region over the last year, and the international community is being called upon to police the seas. Today's claim by the Indian navy is seen by many as a promising step forward in ending this new era of piracy.

This reporter remains skeptical, however.

Over the weekend, India celebrated joining the ranks of an elite group of nations that have planted their flag on the moon. They failed to highlight, however, that the flag was not so much planted ON the moon as it was peppered generously about like cheese on Spaghetti. The AP reports:

"India's flag is most likely scattered over a wide swath of the moon's Shackleton crater after the probe slammed into the surface at more than 3,100 miles per hour."

My sources tell me India needed a quick pick-me-up after their symbolic flag planting did not go as planned. Thus, the Indian Navy is taking responsibility for the sinking of the pirate ship.

But what DID sink the pirate ship? They have successfully hijacked 8 ships this week alone and 39 this year. With such a high rate of success evading naval ships, where could such an attack have come from?
They should have been looking up. It seems during a routine space walk this week, an astronaut accidentally dropped a tool bag and it drifted off in to space.

My theory: The bag fell back in to the Earth's atmosphere, struck the pirate mother ship, and this happened:

USA! USA! USA!

Someone get Michael J. Fox to a panic room

2008-11-18T11:52:00.002-05:00

As wildfires rage in southern California, an even more sinister plot may have been uncovered. Christopher Lloyd, star of the Back to the Future trilogy, returned to his $11 million dollar home to find it completely destroyed by the flames. It seems he lost lots of movie memorabilia in the fire, possibly items related to his character Doc Brown from the beloved series of films.

While many others have lost their houses and possessions in the wild fire, there is a curious connection to a fire back in June of this year. The Universal Studios lot erupted in flames, destroying some old movie sets... INCLUDING THE HILL VALLEY CLOCKTOWER FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE!

Was it a coincidence... or is someone systematically trying to destroy every piece of the greatest trilogy in history?

My money is on the Libyans.

Suge Knight has his priorities out of whack

2008-11-12T15:49:00.003-05:00

MTV News reported today that Suge Knight is suing Kanye West over an earring he lost at Kanye's 2005 pre-VMA party. The article states,

"Knight requests that the earring either be returned or replaced, as he has been "deprived of the use and enjoyment of the earring" since the August 2005 incident."

Also in the lawsuit, Knight is looking for compensation because at the party HE GOT SHOT! That's right, at the same party that Knight lost his precious earring, he got shot in the leg. Suge, forget about the earring. Let it go. I know it's been a tough three years, but that could be because YOU GOT SHOT IN THE LEG! Let the earring go and stop going to parties where people get shot in the leg. That's some free legal advice.

Local news anchor pins Pullitzer hopes on her "Don't forget to set your clocks back" story

2008-11-06T18:09:00.010-05:00

Natick, MA - Action News 9 co-anchor Amy Prescott believes this is finally her year to win a Pullitzer. After her 10:00pm broadcast this past Saturday, she tried to contain her excitement and confidence as she asked the broadcast technician to make an extra copy of her special report entitled "Don't forget to set your clocks back for Daylight Savings."

Right up until the broadcast, she was refining the piece, settling on just the right personal anecdote about how last year she forgot and was an hour early to a nail appointment.

Amy said she always dreamed of a breaking a hard-hitting human interest story during night classes at Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

"This was my Berlin Wall," she said. "Stories like this, things that affect the lives of millions, don't come around often."

Amy was disappointed last year when her piece "Are Halloween costumes for girls too sexy?" was rejected by the Pullitzer admissions panel. She believed it's gender-based criticisms may have turned off a notoriously sexist group of evaluators. Others on the staff think it has something to do with the Pullitzer Prize being awarded to print journalists and not TV anchors.

Either way, Amy is confident, but cautious. Should things not work out with the Daylight Savings piece, she is already hard at work on story about how early is too early for putting up Christmas decorations. She planned on giving us a preview, but was late as a result of forgetting to change her clock again.

CNN has decided the election is a slow news day

2008-11-04T19:22:00.004-05:00

CNN will not be outdone. They invented the touch screen voting map. MSNBC answered back with a touch screen of their own. CNN had holographic 3-D results. MSNBC made theirs bigger.

This election will not be won by Democrats or Republicans, people. No, thanks to CNN, we're all winners. They have taken stupid wastes of mind-numbingly unnecessary technology to levels never before imagined achievable by mankind. Yes, CNN now has holographic people. Instead of just having a picture in picture satellite feed of field corespondents, they are now beaming them in to the election center like something out of Star Wars. Forget who will be president tomorrow. The future is already here. And in that future, CNN is not a news channel. It's the special presentation before a ride at Disney World.

America Finally Votes on Stuff 2008

2008-11-04T13:28:00.003-05:00

If election lasts longer than four hours, consult your physician.

Thing have gone from bad to worse for Ben Bernanke

2008-10-29T14:45:00.004-04:00

It seems the Chairman of the Federal Reserve can't find a place to wipe his booger.

How I'll survive the Great Depression version 2.0 (#2)

2008-10-10T13:51:00.004-04:00

Hook up with lots of babes... because even though we're in a crippling Depression, I guarantee there are still hot babes. They wouldn't just go away, right? Instead of being in to good looks and money, they'll probably be attracted to guys with tents near the bread lines or clean water!

How I'll survive the Great Depression version 2.0 (#1)

2008-10-10T12:17:00.006-04:00

I'm burn my extra rollover minutes for warmth.

The McCain campaign's iPod is running low on songs

2008-10-09T14:09:00.005-04:00

This week, the Foo Fighters became the latest band to insist the McCain campaign stop using one of their songs at events. The Republican ticket has already had numerous complaints from artists like Van Halen, Heart, and John Mellencamp.

My sources say there are only five songs left the GOP has permission to play on the campaign trail. I suspect these songs are not sending the message the campaign wants.

Yesterday, McCain tried to get the crowd at a Ft. Lauderdale event fired up by playing the 80’s hit “Hey Micky, You’re So Fine!” However, all the clapping that comes with the song triggered the former POW’s post-traumatic stress disorder, and he took shelter under a refreshment table.

This morning, in an attempt to capture the urban voters that predominantly go to Obama, the McCain campaign tried the 1995 Cypress Hill track “Throw Your Hands in the Air.” This again backfired when rally-goers began waving their hands from side to side and McCain had to awkwardly stand with arms at his side.

Also today, while the VP candidate was speaking to a crowd at a school gymnasium in Fairfax, Virginia, organizers hoped to play up Sarah Palin’s attractiveness by playing the Destiny’s Child song “Bootylicious.” Once again, the lyrics left many in the crowd uneasy as they unwittingly chanted “I don’t think you’re ready for this!” and “I don’t think you can handle this!” at the Alaska Governor.

The increasingly desperate McCain-Palin ticket is pinning all their hopes on the last two song choices: “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls and Beck’s “Loser.”

VP Debate Preview: Expect the expectations

2008-10-02T15:59:00.003-04:00

The lowered expectations of Palin’s debate performance tonight has raised the expectation that she's going to surprise everyone so much that I'm afraid she can't live up to the high expectation that she'll beat the lowered expectations... (i need to sit down)

Swiss daredevil may have found a way to get John McCain to the debate on time

2008-09-26T11:07:00.003-04:00

Friday morning, Swiss daredevil Yves “Ze Right Stuff” Rossy flew over the English Channel on a homemade rocket glider (pretty much guaranteeing he will totally score with the ladies at the pub tonight).

This innovation may have come just in time for the McCain campaign. With so much heat on the Republican Presidential nominee for his decision to skip the first debate, a rocket-powered personal glider could be the only way he can win back the hearts of a battered nation.

Imagine the splendor when the debate’s moderator is about to call things off due to McCain’s no-show and suddenly he comes swooping in on a rocket glider! After David Blaine’s botched Dive of Death, this country needs some real feats of daring.

Come on, Maverick. Think of all the moose you can shoot from a rocket powered glider. Show us some political theater we can believe in!

Treasury Secretary Paulson finds $700 Billion in old coat pocket

2008-09-25T17:19:00.002-04:00

Washington, DC - Henry Paulson interrupted Congressional hearings on the emergency federal bailout plan today when he found $700 billion in the breast pocket of a suit coat he hasn't worn since last fall.

"At first, I thought it was a receipt!" he said. "I mean, what great timing this was!"

At a time when economists were warning the country could be facing the worst financial crisis in history, Paulson seems to have saved the day. No one was more surprised than the Treasury Secretary himself.

"This always happens to me! I'll break out an old winter coat or something, and BAM! I find a twenty! Looks like drinks are on me, am I right? Crisis averted."

Pakistan's President Zardari may be stalking Sarah Palin on Facebook

2008-09-24T17:00:00.007-04:00

New York, NY - Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin met with Pakistan's President Asif Ali Zardari this week at the United Nations in order to boost her foreign policy credentials. According to CNN:

Pakistan's recently-elected president, Asif Ali Zardari, entered the room seconds later. Palin rose to shake his hand, saying she was “honored” to meet him.
Zardari then called her "gorgeous" and said: "Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you."

"You are so nice," Palin said, smiling. "Thank you."

A handler from Zardari's entourage then told the two politicians to keep shaking hands for the cameras.

"If he's insisting, I might hug," Zardari said. Palin smiled politely.

After the meeting, sources say Zardari still seemed smitten with the Alaska Governor. He began asking campaign aide's if Palin is seeing anyone. When someone told him about her husband, he asked several minutes later what Todd Palin's policy is on "swapping." When that question was met with several raised eyebrows, Zardari burst out laughing and said, "Oh! Oh man! You guys thought I was serious! This is why I love Americans. So gullible!"

Later in the day, a messenger from the Pakistan Consulate dropped off a package for the governor. The secret service inspected the contents due to official security policy and found a cassette tape. An unnamed source says the tape included "Crash" by The Dave Matthews Band and several Dashboard Confessional songs. The attached note said, "I hope these songs remind you of the time we spent together! :-) "

Other reports say Zardari's motorcade was spotted circling outside the hotel where Palin was staying and that the Alaska Governor has received several calls where the person hung up immediately. Al Jazeera also reported growing frustration within the Pakistani government over Zardari's lack of focus on government matters recently. They say spends a lot of time in his room looking at press photos from his short meeting with Palin and writing songs on his sitar. It is unclear at this time if any of these events are related.

David Blaine plans to stare at the sun for ten hours straight

2008-09-23T16:24:00.004-04:00

New York, NY - Hot off the heels of his latest stunt where he hung upside down in Central Park for 60 hours, David Blaine is already talking up his next big magical display. Starting at 8am next Tuesday, the renowned illusionist will stare at the sun (WITHOUT aid of sunglasses or a visor of any kind) until 6pm that evening.

Doctors say he runs the risk of permanent cornea damage, but Blaine says he has been preparing for this stunt by sitting really close to the television for the last six months. Blaine will do interviews with media outlets during The Great Stare, as he calls it, but he will not look away from the sun. He will have people on hand to apply sunscreen, but Blaine insists it will only be SPF 8.

Should the magician survive this latest death-defying stunt, he next plans to go swimming a mere two minutes after eating a Burger King Baconator, completely ignoring the recommended 30 minute wait most physicians recommend after eating a substantial meal... and in a public pool no less.

Notes on an economic crisis

2008-09-19T11:07:00.004-04:00

Today, I was watching coverage of the potentially worst financial crisis since The Great Depression, when I inadvertently switched the channel to The Price is Right... and there was something oddly comforting about it.

As long as we're still willing to guess the price of a Sea-Doo personal watercraft and a case of Metamucil... everything is going to be OK.

Get your Hadr-on!

2008-09-09T12:25:00.009-04:00

OJ Simpson may be back in court, but the real trial of the century could be a race against time. In both U.S. federal court and the European Court of Human Rights, people are trying to stop scientists from turning on the CERN Large Hadron Collider for fear it could gobble up the earth like it was the Lost Island at the end of season 4 (Don't give me crap about spoiler alerts. We might be dead tomorrow. You should be getting all the spoiler alerts you can fit in.)

Also, it looks like the Jonas Brothers should throw out those promise rings before it's too late. They have a mere 24 hours to finally nail Miley Cyrus. Although, if we're wrong about the Hadron Collider ending the world, Miley could be pushing strollers in the park with Bristol Palin. If anyone is rooting for full-on destruction, it's redneck-turned-responsible-father Levi Johnson. To this day, he regrets ever asking the potential VP's daughter to test his Large Hard-on Collider.

HBO is offering you a chance to show everyone you fell for their lame viral marketing campaign! Only $19.99 (plus shipping)!

2008-07-10T13:39:00.008-04:00

HBO has plastered US cities with advertisements for "Tru Blood," a fake 'synthetic blood nourishment drink.' At first glance, they look like ads for yet another energy drink claiming to have health benefits. The ads also point you to http://www.trubeverage.com/ where there is even more vague information about the product.

Upon second look, this is clearly a poor attempt at viral marketing for a new show about vampires that I'm sure will be a huge hit like "John From Cincinnati." However, the best part is that there is a 'shop' link that takes you to the HBO store where you can shell out $19.99 for a Tru Blood t-shirt.

Yes, for years to come your Tru Blood t-shirt will remind everyone of that summer HBO made fake ads for an energy drink to promote a show about vampires. Perhaps one day your kids will go rifling through a box of your old clothes and find this piece of Americana and say "No way! You were around for that marginally clever marketing campaign?! I thought you were a total zooblot* back then, but I was wrong!"

*in the future, "zooblot" is slang for "square"

Conversations: I annoy an online telemarketer

2008-06-26T22:24:00.008-04:00

I clicked on to one those "Make more money from your own home than you're making now!" websites out of curiosity. It was obviously a scam... but when I tried to X out the window, a smaller chat window popped up with a "real" sales agent named Natalie. It was probably just a computer, but I played along anyway. This was the conversation that followed:

Natalie Says: Hey wait! We hate to see you go. By taking one minute out of your day, we can help you discover how to possibly make extra money from the comfort of your own home! In addition, when you sign up now you will receive our Home Business Tax Guide! CLICK HERE to find out the secret today!

Me: hi

Natalie Says: Hi, thanks for chatting with me today... CLICK HERE to take advantage of this amazing offer.

Me: what will i be selling?

Natalie Says: The Home Business Training Package is approximately two hours of Training on our incredible turn-key business.

Me: what is a turn key business??

Natalie Says: This amazing offer is only available through this chat. CLICK HERE to take advantage of this deal.

Natalie Says: You'll uncover some astonishing details about your ability to earn Life-Changing income from home, what it takes, and who can do it! This is a Home-Based Business that works for regular, everyday people!

Me: that's me!

Natalie Says: Imagine the freedom of working from home while building long-term recurring income for your family!

Me: give me a second to imagine

Natalie Says: CLICK HERE to get started right now!

Me: you're interrupting, hold on

Me: oh wait.. that's the phone

Natalie Says: You will learn about the industries, the markets we serve, how we get paid, and our step by step in-home system that works for anyone regardless of their background, education or experience.

Natalie Says: Sound interesting? CLICK HERE to take advantage of this amazing deal!

Me: ugh, my girlfriend.. yack yack yack, am i right?

Me: it does sound interesting but I'm still sketpical

Me: skeptical

Me: is that with a k or a c?

Me: sceptical

Me: they both seem right

Natalie Says: Okay great. CLICK HERE and fill out the page in order to take advantage of this great offer.

Me: sorry, i'm rambling

Natalie Says: Remember, we can help you discover a way to make extra money from the comfort of your own home and now you can view The Home Business Tax Guide ABSOLUTELY FREE and all it takes is a Minute of your time. What do you have to lose? CLICK HERE to take advantage of this deal!

Me: i have a few questions first

Natalie Says: Sure, what is your question?

Me: You say I can work from home... but what if I don't have a permanent home at the moment?

Me: like, where should I work from?

Me: I've been sleeping on a lot of my friends' couches ever since my girlfriend kicked me out

Me: she says i don't take my job seriously

Me: which brings me to my second question... what if I'm not that serious of a worker.. can I still make all this money you promise?

Me: answer whichever one you want first

Me: i'm not in a big rush

Me: I have popcorn in the microwave, but that's about it

Me: ok, truthfully it's a popcorn flavored pop-tart

Natalie Says: Fantastic... just CLICK HERE to get back to the order page.

Me: wait, I lost the link.. where should I click?

Me: Natalie? You there?

Me: Did you leave me like my girlfriend?

Natalie Says: I'm still here. CLICK HERE.

Me: Oh nice! So have you done the program yourself?

Me: I'm one of those guys that likes to hear from other customers

Me: I also like thai food

Me: I'm one of those guys

Me: My girlfriend says I don't ever try new things

Me: BUT I TRIED THE THAI FOOD!

Me: It's like she just makes stuff up to be mad about

Me: Like when I forgot to feed her cat

Me: Maybe if the cat said something I would have fed it!

Me: Sorry.. I'm rambling.. you were saying?

Natalie Says: OK, Thank you for your time. To end the CHAT simply CLICK on the "X" in upper right.

Me: Oh! That's my pop-tart

Natalie Says: Understandable, but please don't hesitate, I am authorized to offer you right now through this chat. CLICK HERE right now because time is always of the essence when starting a new business!

Me: When I was in high school, I made a pretty mean bird house in shop class. You think I could sell bird houses?

Me: God.. birds have houses and I don't. How sad is that?

Me: You a home owner Natalie?

Me: I'm staying with my friend Mitch. He rents. He works at mall arcade

Me: You would think that would be a sweet job.. like he gets to like play video games all the time and stuff, but he mostly just cleans up puke

Me: You wouldn't believe how many kids ralph after playing that dance dance game

Me: So... what are you wearing?

Natalie Says: My work clothes :)

Me: Ha! Typical Natalie

Me: I bet you get that all the time

Me: This is just like that scene in that movie

Me: The one with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan

Me: Gremlins

Me: Ok, Mitch and I are gonna go throw eggs at the Dairy Queen. Email me that link! I'm gonna make so much money yo!

Me: See ya Natalie

Me: Stay out of Canada.

Me: Seriously.

Natalie Says: I'm sorry but at this time we only provide our services to residents of the United States and Canada.

Fun with subway passengers

2008-06-20T11:21:00.002-04:00

When I'm waiting for a train in New York and the announcer says "A down town train is now arriving," I sometmies like to indignantly yell, "Ugh. Spoiler alert!" and leave the platform.

A small victory for America

2008-06-13T21:43:00.002-04:00

Even though the American dollar is pretty much equal with the Canadian dollar these days, Canadians are still paying a dollar more for books, greeting cards, and magazine. USA! USA!

75% of the Father's Day cards at Duane Reade were meant to be from dogs

2008-06-13T19:00:00.001-04:00

Where are these dogs getting $2.99 to buy all these Father's Day cards?

Hillary Clinton refuses to get off treadmill despite clear signs she is over the time limit

2008-05-14T13:08:00.008-04:00

Chappaqua, NY - New York Senator Hillary Clinton caused a bit of a stir Wednesday during a brief break from the campaign trail after the West Virginia primary. Stopping at the New York Sports Club near her home to get in a quick workout, Clinton began a brisk jog on one of the facility's six treadmills. The fitness establishment has a well publicized policy that members must limit their workout to thirty minutes, as dictated by the signs hanging above each machine. All guests of the gym agree to abide by the club's rules before they join. However, as the Presidential hopeful neared the half hour mark, she appeared in no way ready to end her workout.

With several other patrons waiting nearby to begin their workouts, Clinton continued running, ignoring their calls for her to quit. "I have the right to keep going," she said. After forty-eight minutes, Senator Clinton appeared tired and extremely worn out, but refused to admit her run should come to an end. Some senior managers from the NYSC called for her to quit as well, saying her actions are causing a rift in the gym. "All of the people that were running alongside her when she started have left," said manager Sean Harris. "It is time Hillary Clinton step aside to let someone new have a turn." At press time, Clinton was still on the treadmill after being two hours and twenty minutes over her limit.

This is not the first time Clinton has refused to call it quits despite clear signs that she should end. Two months ago, while refueling her campaign bus at a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, Clinton decided to play "Time Crisis 2" at the arcade outside the bathrooms. When all her credits were used up, she continued to fire at the high score screen until a campaign aide pried the gun from her hands.

Google trends once again exposes idiot Americans

2008-05-05T14:12:00.004-04:00

Today is the 5th of May, and the #9 search (with a rating of Spicy) according to Google trends is "cinco demio." Good work everyone. Pat on de back.

What women want (apparently)

2008-04-17T10:59:00.003-04:00

Last night at a bar, I was talking to these semi-babes. For some reason they were telling me about what types of guys they are in to (which I guess wasn't the type that I am).

One said, "I like guys with big beards.. which is weird cuz my dad had a big beard."

The other said, "I like a guy that can work on a car. My dad taught me how to work on his car..."

And then I replied, "Waiter, I asked to be in the non-Daddy issue section. Thanks."

My increasingly rocky history with the homeless woman that sits outside the Starbucks by my apartment (Part 1)

2008-04-17T10:46:00.005-04:00

Today while walking to work, I planned on stopping for coffee. I was looking for a song on my iPod when I realized I had walked right by my local Starbucks. I stopped and made an awkward turn.

Suddenly, I heard "Uh oh! Walked RIGHT by Starbucks! Ha!" It was the homeless woman that always sits right outside the coffee shop. That bitch.

Some quick background: I gave this woman money back in November, and apparently she did NOTHING with it. She is still stationed in that same spot. No investments? No IRA? Did you just THROW my dollar out, homeless woman? This woman is in that spot at least once a week. I rarely have change on me anyway, considering it is 9am and I haven't bought anything yet. In fact, one day I saw her from a distance and got all tense because I knew she was going to ask me for change even though I had none. I braced for the awkward exchange, until I got up close and realized this time it was not her, but two laundry bags. Yes, she looks like two laundry bags.

Back to the story: I glared at her big stupid 1980's glasses after that comment and then walked in to Starbucks. I got my coffee, and as I left, she had the audacity - THE AUDACITY I TELL YOU!- to ask me for change. You make fun of me in my time of weakness and then ask for change? Get back in the kitchen.

Pope to play third base at Yankee Stadium

2008-04-14T12:53:00.007-04:00

Bronx, NY - Pope Benedict arrives in the United States this week for the first time since being elected, and on Sunday, he makes history as he will appear at Yankee Stadium to open a sold-out three game series against the Tampa Bay Rays. The Steinbrenner's really pulled out all the stops to get Benedict to New York, placing a $250 million check in the collection basket last Sunday, making it the biggest Papal acquisition in baseball history. Not since John Paul II pitched a one-hitter in his sweep of the Athletics in '72 has their been this much excitement over a pope's visit.

New game: Ruin the mood for my neighbor who gets more action than I do

2008-04-08T22:49:00.010-04:00

For the fourth time in two weeks, I can hear the girl that lives in the room adjacent to mine getting "busy" with who I can only assume is a man of some kind. It's certainly not me, that's for sure. However, that doesn't mean I can't be a part of the fun. I have decided to start playing my own soundtrack through the wall for the lovely couple. Here is live blog of my playlist:

1) Journey "Any Way You Want It"

...It seems they are still going at it.

2) Biz Markie "Just a Friend"

It's getting quiet now. But just in case:

3) Bow Wow Wow "I Want Candy"

UPDATE! I just heard some kind of moan, so it is time for the song that no mood-ruining setlist would be complete without:

4) Chumbawumba "Tubthumping"

It's getting late and I'm hoping we can speed things up.. so it's time for:

5) Europe "The Final Countdown"

...which I just cut off right before the chorus (in case the guy was in to it) to play:

6) The theme from "Gummy Bears"

And finally to bring the mood down a little and show we can all be friends:

7) Kermit the Frog "The Rainbow Connection"

Silence. I think they both went to call their moms to say "I love you." Good night, neighbor. Let's do this again never.

My life is exactly like Moby's life

2008-04-08T15:36:00.007-04:00

In a recent interview with CNN, artist Moby described the inspiration for his new album Last Night as “a sort of crazy eight-hour night in my neighborhood in the Lower East Side… It’s just me trying to re-create what it's like to go out in my neighborhood and stay out too late and get into trouble.”

Now, I live in the Upper East Side of Manhattan, widely regarded as one of the least cool areas of New York City. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t hang in the hip Lower East Side. Looking at this track list from Last Night, I can totally see a crazy eight hour night out from my own life just like the one Moby is referring to:

1. Ooh Yeah – This track is about arriving in the Lower East Side after 49 minutes on the 6 train and losing the buzz from the six warm Miller Genuine Drafts from Duane Reade that I drank in my apartment. The “Ooh Yeah” is me remembering how little fun I actually had last time I came down here and that I said I would never ever again come back to this place ever again because “it is lame and the bars by me have the exact same beer anyway.” But this time will probably be better.

2. I Love To Move In Here – Is about fighting my way to the bar to get a drink, and after twenty minutes being told we’re gonna leave to meet my buddy’s friend “Hamster” from high school at a “cooler’ bar down the street. I can’t decided if I’m mad that I just waited all that time to get a drink from the Sid Vicious-wannabe bartender and am leaving empty handed or if I’m happy to no longer be thrust up against bearded hipsters who claim they don’t own DVD players.

3. 257.zero - This is actually my ATM pin number. Not sure how Moby got it, but speaking of PIN numbers, why the hell are there no Bank of America’s on the Lower East Side? Do these people not bank? Now I’m forced to pay a $3.00 fee to take money out of this machine sitting outside a fruit stand?!

4. Everyday It's 1989 – While at first I thought this referred to the bar’s DJ ironically playing songs like “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul and anything by Tears for Fears, I realized it’s that two imported beers just cost me $19.89. No drink specials down here. Really? Is saving money too mainstream?

5. Live For Tomorrow - I’m so bored at this bar that all I’m thinking about the bagel I’m gonna eat tomorrow morning. Man, I should go home now so I can sleep and make it tomorrow and eat that bagel.

6. Alice – The girl with dyed pink hair I attempted briefly to converse with by the bathroom until she saw my hooded sweatshirt had a tag from the GAP

7. Hyenas – Alice’s friends laughing at my GAP hooded sweatshirt. I’m sorry, but they don’t have American Apparel by me.

8. I'm In Love – Alice apologized for laughing at me. When I get out of the bathroom, I’m gonna ask her if she wants to see an independent movie with me.

9. Disco Lies – Turns out Alice is a lesbian. Gee, what were the odds of that one. I was actually going to make her watch “Transformers” anyway.

10. The Stars – Two stars, to be precise. That’s the number that Zagat rated this Kebab place in 1998. Apparently they haven’t been back since. I envy them. I hope I have room for that bagel tomorrow.

11. Degenerates – The dirty, artist types that now surround me at this latest bar could be described as degenerates, but that doesn’t explain how they can afford $4000 a month in rent down here.

12. Sweet Apocalypse – is what I wish on Hamster for dragging us to yet another stupid, pretentious bar. Dude, you were friends with this kid in high school? He is such a faux-hipster dick. I get it, you don’t own an ipod and buy all your music from a bin of tapes at a flea market. I happen to like Bruce Springsteen’s new album, ok? I might vote for McCain just to tell you I did and piss you off.

13. Mothers Of The Night – The hot women I see walking home with other dudes as I try to find a cab. Where the hell were these girls all night? Did Hamster purposefully take us to every bar in the Lower East Side that was devoid of all girls but a hair-dyed lesbian you hates me because I own khakis and thought “Superbad” was funny? Mother f@#$%er!

14. Last Night – I swear this is the last night that I am ever coming to the Lower East Side. This place is dirty and yet everything is overpriced and I am pretty sure everyone down here is paid to make you feel stupid like they are employees of some kind of messed up demoralizing theme park. Oh yea, and the bars by me have the exact same beer anyway.

Rocket scientist wants to know if you're hiring

2008-04-02T15:54:00.004-04:00

It seems that even rocket scientists can not escape today’s economic uncertainty. In an already slowing job market, NASA announced that their plan to retire the space shuttle in 2010 could result in over 8000 lost jobs. Art history majors across the country may soon have more than just former Bear Stearns employees and Hillary Clinton campaign staffers to worry about when applying for that job at Starbucks. There is just no way to pad your resume enough when you are up against a former NASA employee, someone who has probably gotten closer to an actual ‘star’ than you ever will.

To make matters worse, NASA employees may have falsely gotten their hopes up when Google decided to play an April Fools prank and announce their plan to privately fund the colonization of Mars called “Project Virgle.” Out of 8000 employees, at least one or two must have had their resume stamped and ready to mail until they looked at the calendar. Be careful, Google. These are the same people who accidentally threatened the planet with that spy satellite full of toxic gas back in January. It is probably best not to make them angry and see what they can threaten us with when they actually try.

What exactly do you do after leaving NASA? Perhaps they can take a cue from retired athletes and become commentators for shuttle launches. Unfortunately with America’s interest in the space program falling somewhere between professional soccer and the NCAA women’s basketball tournament, there is probably only enough room in the budget for one or two. Where can the other 7998 former NASA employees find work? You guessed it: Canada. The Canadian Space Agency announced this week that they will begin recruiting new astronauts this May. Remember in school when your teacher said that in America you can be anything you want when you grow up, including an astronaut? Well she forgot to mention achieving the American dream may require moving to Canada.

My Presidential Platform: A B2TFP2 Compliant America by 2015

2008-03-24T11:16:00.013-04:00

John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton are all avoiding possibly the most important issue facing our great nation. We have had a road map for progress for decades now, yet the policy makers have been remiss in passing proper initiatives for change. I fear that if we do not act now, we will never see the Utopian future of tomorrow we were once fated to achieve.

My fellow Americans, that is why today, I announce my plan to make the United States of America "Back to the Future Part 2" compliant by 2015.

In 1989, Stephen Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis showed us just where our country should be in 27 years from then. It was not just a vision of the future, but a promise. A promise that we were on course to live in a world with flying cars, robotic trash cans, holographic celebrity waiters, and hoverboards.

We are dangerously behind on a number of issues. First and foremost, the flying car is not where I would like it to be. The folks at Moller International have their hearts in the right place, but their flying car prototypes just don't quite hit the mark. The development of the hoverboard is even further behind.

One area I am excited to say we are ahead of the curve on is the holographic advertising seen in the film to advertise the movie "Jaws 19." On the other hand, we are going to need to make "Jaws" sequels at a rate of 2.14 a year.

While these are concerns we all have, not everyone has the resources to advance the cause. But there are a few things every man, woman, and child can do to make our country B2TFP2 compliant by 2015.

First off, sign this petition to urge Nike to make the automatic-tying shoes worn by Marty McFly in the film.

Also, set a calendar reminder that on New Years Day, 2015, everyone should start wearing their jeans inside out.

Finally, if someone could take the initiative to compile a sports almanac covering the years 1950-2000, that would be a huge help.

It is time we Americans put our differences aside and work towards the common goal of creating the society we were promised in 2015. Or else we could be doomed to live in an alternate timeline of anarchy, warfare, and racial divide. I fear it is already too late.

Jesus is my Guitar Hero

2008-03-23T12:43:00.003-04:00

At Easter Mass today, the guitar player for the church choir kept using the whammy bar to spice up the hymns. It took all the strength I have not to pull out a lighter and scream "Free Bird!"

Fun with white people: accidental racial confrontations on the subway

2008-03-14T17:40:00.004-04:00

One of the best moments in human social interaction is when a white person is being yelled at by a black person on the subway. The white people will always just sit there and take it so as not to seem racist, even if they are being scolded for an unnecessary reason like stepping on a foot because the car is too crowded. The black person can say whatever they want and the white person apologizes from here to tomorrow.

Next time you see a white person unwittingly enter a conflict with a black person, watch them shrink in to a tiny non-confrontational ethnically sensitive rag doll. It's nature.

BREAKING NEWS: iPod shuffle function ruins moment

2008-03-10T21:57:00.006-04:00

CALDWELL, NJ - Area man Richie Banks reported that his iPod's shuffle function denied his chance to finally go all the way with Connie Sanders when Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" came on the music player. Last summer, he put the song on to be ironic, but says he could have sworn he deleted it over Christmas. The song being a certifiable mood killer, Banks leapt off his bed to change the track. However, by the time he realized the lock was on, Ms. Sanders already had her pants back on. Trying to get her back in the mood, Banks played the subsequent songs without any luck. Somewhere between the theme to Darkwing Duck and a sound effect track from the The Kill Bill: Vol. 2 soundtrack, Sanders was out the door.

Fun with blind people: Giving directions

2008-03-10T21:48:00.005-04:00

Here is why blind people shouldn't ask me for directions:

The other day, I was walking to work, when a blind woman stopped me in the street. She asked, "excuse me, what number is that building right there?" I looked where she was pointing, and saw not a building, but a hot dog cart.

I hesitated in my answer for an excruciatingly uncomfortable amount of time, unsure whether to tell her the truth and embarrass her and say it's a street vendor. Finally, another woman came over to help the blind lady find her way, staring at me in disgust until I sheepishly walked away.

Fun with blind people: Puddles

2008-03-06T09:51:00.004-05:00

When I see a blind person about to step in a puddle, instead of trying to stop them, I sometimes yell "Don't worry! It's not a lake!" Just in case they think that on the way down.

Bachelor in Chief

2008-02-28T12:58:00.002-05:00

With all the focus these days on the presidential candidates and the roles of their spouses, I think it's time to kick it old school like James Buchanan and have a bachelor President. Everyone else does. French President Nicolas Sarkozy goes through a girl a week.

I can see it all playing out like a wacky sitcom. Just before being sworn in, the new President's wife files for divorce. Now his cabinet members have to try to get him laid before the economy collapses completely. He could invade Sweeden just to pick up ladies.

It'll be called "Chicks and Balances."

Topical pick-up line #52

2008-02-25T11:35:00.003-05:00

Hey baby. I'd like to stick my seeds in your Doomsday vault.

You sunk my spy satellite!

2008-02-21T13:30:00.001-05:00

I've been following the dying spy satellite story with the same zeal as a TMZ correspondent following Britney's custody battle. I should be camped outside the Pentagon with a Big Gulp and some binoculars hoping to get a glimpse of the satellite's dirty parts (the toxic fuel tank). As an action junkie that regularly listens to the theme from The Rock on my iPod, this story is my Woodstock (or at least my Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour Movie in 3-D a.k.a. HMMCBBWCTM3D).

According to the New York Times, Gen. James E. Cartwright of the Marines says, "We're very confident that we hit the satellite." Very confident does not quite cut it for me in this case. A bus-sized spy satellite, which for some unknown reason is powered by toxic gas, is hurtling towards Earth. There is not really room for anything but being 110% cocksure positive the thing is dead. I picture them hitting the wrong satellite and not realizing. Suddenly, there is no cell phone service in Turkey, but no one can call the Pentagon to say, "I think you missed." Just to allay any fears, the Pentagon needs to hold up a piece of the satellite at a press conference like an ancient warrior lifting the head of a fallen adversary (and then put that piece in China's bed while they are asleep).

None of this should have happened in the first place. The spy satellite was secretly launched in 2006, but never functioned properly. Now, they've had to tell the whole world that they tried to spy on them. At least lie and say they were trying to shoot down that Beatles song apparently hurtling through the galaxy. It's like the Pentagon snuck into a room to overhear a conversation and accidentally knocked over a vase. Now they are forced to tell everyone, "We're just looking for a broom. Pay no attention to us."

When did we start living in a Bond movie?

2008-02-14T17:49:00.008-05:00

This week started out with news of a $163 million dollar art heist in Zurich that Swiss police called “spectacular.” Three masked men stole a high school art appreciation class Who’s Who of masterpieces from Paul Cezanne, Edgar Degas, Claude Monet and Vincent van Gogh and managed to escape.

In a seemingly unrelated story, the Pentagon announced Thursday they would try to shoot down an errant spy satellite that could come crashing down to Earth in the coming weeks. If the satellite were allowed to enter Earth’s atmosphere, it could release a deadly toxic cloud in to the air.

It seems, folks, we just may be living in the opening minutes of one bad ass action movie. I can only hope that in some way these two events are connected. Throw in last week’s accusation by Vladimir Putin that the U.S. is setting off a “new arms race” as a back story, and we’ve got a full blown white knuckle franchise on our hands.

With the writer's strike over, I think I'll take a stab at the screenplay. Here's the plot:

A highly trained government agent (we’ll call him, um, Gom Tanjamie) is double crossed by his rogue agent partner and sexy femme-fatale (deftly played by a still sexy and youthful Morgan Fairchild) when she reveals she is selling weapon secrets to the Russians. She leaves Gom (or “Agent G”) for dead on the train tracks in Dubendorf. G awakes three days later to find his agent status disavowed by the government and his name on every wanted list in the world.

To clear his name, G links up with a group of international art thieves (I’m thinking one should be Alan Rickman, but I’m flexible) and pulls off the heist of a lifetime. With enough cash to evade the intelligence community, G returns to Washington just in time to learn of the plans to shoot down the errant spy satellite. What the Pentagon doesn’t know is, his former partner has the launch codes and plans to spur an international incident to set off World War III.

Of course, G saves the day with all kinds of cool gadgets he bought on the black market with his art heist money (and subsequently wins a technical Oscar). He selflessly donates the Van Gough he kept to an inner-city Baltimore middle school and is named Barack Obama’s running mate.

If any studios are interested, talk to my agent (my mom).

Tom misses the point: "Across the Universe"

2008-02-14T11:56:00.007-05:00

I was half paying attention to the Beatles-inspired movie "Across the Universe" last night and was totally amped when I heard this quote from the character Lucy:

"They ARE radical. You should be radical. We should all be radical!"

And I was like "Yea! She's right! We should all be radical! We should like skateboard to work and eat pizza all the time and crank up the tunes! I'm gonna bust out my shades and hang ten on some sicky nar nar curl! Wowwwannawowwww" and proceeded to rock out like Spuds MacKenzie.

Then I realized she meant 'radical' as in like 'revolutionary, change the world through protest and civil disobedience radical,' and I went back to reading quotes from "Point Break."

My theory: Andy Pettitte has terrible hearing

2008-02-13T16:39:00.003-05:00

During his testimony before a congressional panel on Wednesday, Roger Clemens explained that Andy Pettitte "misheard" a conversation in which Pettitte claims Clemens admitted using performance-enhancing drugs.

While that defense seems a little light on Clemens' part, I think I have an idea where he is coming from. An unnamed, unreliable source tells me that Andy Pettitte is a guy with terrible hearing. For example, weeks went by where Andy thought Alex Rodriguez was saying "I am cheaping on my knife" and figured Mr. April was just buying dull cutlery.

In Roger Clemens' case, I think the mistakes could have come from these overheard conversations:

What Andy heard: "I am so glad I started using steroids."

What Roger probably said: "I am so glad I started to lose in Asteroids."

My theory: For a short period in the mid-'90s, Roger got on a hot streak playing classic arcade games like Asteroids, but when it cut into his practice time, he was grateful to curb the addiction.

What Andy heard: "In the future, dude, I need more needles."

What Roger probably said: "Back to the Future II needs more Needles."

My theory: Here Roger was referring to the character Needles in Back to the Future Part II played by Flea. Roger is a big Red Hot Chili Peppers fan and thought his part in this film should have been much broader.

What Andy heard: "I took HGH."

What Roger probably said: "I took HGH, you half-guinea half-frog bitch."

My theory: Andy's hearing is dead on, and Clemens may be a bit racist.

Put the America back in "American Gladiators"

2008-02-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

NBC's new concoction of "American Gladiators" doesn't seem all that American to me (plus, the bastards got rid of the kick ass old theme song). Today's Gladiators wear silver, black, and purple. Last time I checked, those aren't anywhere on the flag. Perhaps if we were a nation of wizards that would fly - but again, last time I checked, we are not.

They need to go back to the drawing board, starting with more patriotic names. My suggestions:

Mt. Crushmore

Slay-ganomics

Capitol Thrill

Franklin Delano Bruise-evelt